Pavlov's Girlfriend

I'm not a guy that has had a ton of girlfriends. I've had more than my fair share of dates, but because I tend to find most people insufferable, dates don't usually make it much further than two. To be fair, I'm sure I'm just as intolerable to most women as most people are to me. I've often said, and still maintain, that I'm a bit like beer; an acquired taste. On that same note, if you like me you probably really like me and if you don't, you'd like to see my entire house burn down with my family inside. That's just the way it works out.

So, I'm definitely not a ladies' man. I've had a couple long-ish term relationships, but not any that have yet developed into anything that's stopped my search. They usually end peacefully and with some semblance of us still being friends (or at the very least not enemies, which is just as good in my book). One of my relationships I dated a girl for a few years, we'll call her Tonya. I thought the world of Tonya although she had a few things that were irritating, I thought she might be the one. In hindsight I'm glad it never got to that point due to a lot of alarming things, but while I was in it, I was smitten.

Tonya and I would go on a lot of road trips together. Road trips are fun no matter what and when they're with the person you're in love with, they're even better. It's a great way to learn about someone, get lots of meaningful conversation in, and also act like idiots singing along to the radio.

While on one of our trips one day,  a thought struck me... Pavlov classically conditioned his dog to salivate every time he rang a bell by constantly feeding it whenever he rang that bell. So, he'd ring this bell and feed the dog. Every day just like that. I don't know how we measured the dog salivating, but it was proven somehow that the dog learned to associate the ringing bell with getting fed so that whenever Pavlov rang that bell, the dog would start drooling in anticipation of the food he was sure was coming.

So would this work with a person? I had to find out. But what could I do? How could I test this for myself and do my own little science experiment? I wanted to figure it out for myself. Just then Tonya interrupted my train of thought with a "Hey... love you," which I, of course, returned with a little squeeze on her knee.

A few seconds more down the road and I realized... that was it. A squeeze on the knee could be the same as ringing a bell and the "love you" would be the food. It seemed too good to be true that I had it sorted that quickly. I wanted to get started right away, but didn't want to appear too obvious... not that it would be plainly obvious what I was doing to any sane-minded person, but that's just the way my mind works. I waited until well into the drive after a rest stop which we got some sodas at before starting. I reached over, squeezed her knee, and said, "Love you," which she returned. I had only even done this this one time and I thought it was hysterical already, but had to contain it.

From then on, whether it was a road trip or just a short trip up to the store, I made it a point to do it. Reach over, squeeze her knee affectionately, and say, "Love you." She always returned it. This had gone on for several months before I decided it was time to try it out for real.

I can't remember where we were going, but it seemed like it was somewhere in or near Detroit. It was a long drive, about 3 hours or so. We might have been a little under halfway to our destination when I reached over and affectionately squeezed her knee followed by complete silence. A couple seconds passed and I was beginning to think I was a failure and then she slowly turned her head to me and said, "Hey... I love you."

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT WORKED! At least, I figured the one time of it seeming to work was enough for me. Again though, I had to keep it all inside. There's no way in Hell I could reveal that I had basically trained (read: classically conditioned) my girlfriend to tell me she loves me on cue. I kept it together and simply replied exactly as she expected, "I love you too."

On the way back, after a long day, I had to try it again. Sure enough, it was almost the same exact response. A light, affectionate squeeze on the knee, a few seconds elapsed, and she came out with it: "I love you." My mind raced at the possibilities. What evil could this be used for? Could I classically condition her to do sexual favors? Would it go that far? All the other ideas I had were no less sinister and, when I think about sharing them, come off like I'm a misogynist (like having her make me a sandwich)... so I'll leave them out. Somehow, this alone truly seemed somewhat morally ambiguous and evil.

I kept it up for a long time. Until the end of our relationship, actually.  I don't really care what you think, because I still find it pretty damn funny. It is funny. Fuck you if you think otherwise. I don't think she ever suspected anything and I never tried to classically condition her to do anything else. Although, in all honesty, I found out that Tonya was kind of super shitty to me during our relationship (a few things came to light afterwards), so I feel a little less bad about the whole thing and do kind of wish I had trained her to do other things on cue.

The Best is Yet to Come

One of the most important keys to improvement is consistently working towards improvement of whatever it is you're trying to get better at. Focus, determination, dedication, and the will to succeed will get you where you want to be in time. How much time, nobody can ever know, but you'll get there if you work towards it.

I feel as if I am consistently working every day towards being a better person. Better than I was yesterday. More moral, more ethical, more open, more honest, more feeling, and more caring. It's a shit ton of work in itself to realize and catch myself in the middle of some behaviors that have become ingrained in my personality. Traits that I'd like to make less evident or lose entirely. Although I haven't always had the greatest self-image, I don't know that I've ever actually really hated myself. The thing is, I've spent so much time talking negatively about myself and giving that impression across that I can fully understand how others might think that I think that about myself. That's one big transition I feel I've made in the past eight or nine months. Yes, the self deprecation is still there, but I can rightfully say that it's far less frequent and incredibly less earnest sounding when it does break free.

Another area I'm just now realizing and addressing is my fear of being smart. Don't jump the gun on me, I know I'm not Albert Einstein and I likely won't ever be solving any world problems with the thoughts kicking around in my head. Having said that, and I hate to sound conceited, I am coming to realize that I might be a fair notch or two above the average person. I feel like a dick even typing that. But, I think the key is not to hold that over others (which I don't think I do) but at the same time, not be ashamed to let it show either - which I have been afraid of for a very long time. My lack of self appreciation over the years hasn't really allowed me to enjoy many things about myself because to acknowledge or admit that I'm good or better at something, in my eyes, makes me come across as a dickhole. That's where the "consistently working towards improvement" comes in for me though, in this aspect of myself. Like so many other things.

I know I've said countless times that I will write here more. That I'll write more period. Somewhere, somehow. And that never comes to fruition. So, here's another aspect that I need to work towards because I've got ideas that need to escape, whether they amount to anything or not is another story... but I can't keep holding on to them. I feel like my life is headed towards something and you better believe that working in my call center job isn't it for the rest of my life. I guess that's what everyone says (only with whatever they do currently, not necessarily the call center), but I won't get anywhere if I don't start putting the work in to be the best writer, philosopher, music maker, or whatever the hell it is I wanna do. The time has come, to practice what I preach. I hope you'll see more of me around here. Even if it's rambling nonsense like this kind of is... Let's work on it, dude.

Now, even though nobody reads this, tell me... what do YOU want to improve in yourself?