The past couple months have been, to say the least, difficult. But, I'm not going to leave it at just saying the least. That's not the point of this blog.

A lot of changes have gone on. Some shitty, but mostly positive. I decided to do something about what has been a mostly secretly miserable existence that I've been living for the past 12 years or so and do something about it. Stop living in misery, stop bottling up feelings, stop hiding yourself away from what you're feeling, and stop hiding away from your true self. It sounds easy enough, but for someone who's been extremely careful with who he actually reveals his true self to, it's been a challenge. See, I want the real, true Adam to be visible to all... whether they like him or not.

I've never been a ray of sunshine. I never will be. But, there was a time when I was who I was and most people liked me. Then my dad's health started to deteriorate and the charade started, I guess. The game of hiding emotions began. Why? Because nobody likes someone who's constantly worrying, someone who's constantly on the verge of tears, who can't even focus on anything truly positive because he's worried he's going to lose his best friend and dad any minute.

Besides, emotion show weakness and nobody wants to appear to weak. Particularly if you're a dude.

All that emotion stayed bottled up and emotion is like anything... it goes bad after a while. It doesn't matter what it is. It gets rotten. It turns to poison. Yeah, I could keep it under control most of the time. But sometimes the facade would slip and that was never good. I wasn't being true to myself and because of that, I didn't like myself. When you don't like yourself you remember everything negative anyone has ever said about you and start to believe it. You replay it over and over in your mind and start to see everything through the tinted fog of disappointment. Not in a magical sense, but your attitude really does determine your reality. Because of this... I mostly only saw disappointment in things.

Then my dad died. I didn't know what to do. I'd never felt so lost in my life. I couldn't let anyone know though and the game continued. Because all I focused on was disappointment, negativity, and let down... that's all I saw and furthered my misery internally. After a while it just becomes "the norm" and you get numb to it all. Like working in a factory... you just do your thing, shut down, and go on autopilot. Sure, things will crop up here and there that change it up a bit... sometimes good, sometimes bad, but it always go back to the same routine. For me this routine of life turned into a case of apathy. Life was gray and there weren't different shades of it.

New car? Oh, I guess that's cool. Dog bit? That kinda sucks. Win the lottery? Eh, whatever. And so on.

Yeah, I cared about people. I cared about stuff. But after so many years of hiding it I didn't know how to express it. And, once again, the cycle continued. Meanwhile, all this poison is building up inside me. I was a prisoner in my own mind.

Somewhere though all this, I figured something out; alcohol. Booze gave me an excuse to let the poison out. Booze gave my an excuse to express that emotion that had been building up. Booze allowed me everything that had been built up and locked away to come out... the good, the bad, and the ugly.

 I never made it a daily habit or anything, but once I got started it seemed next to impossible to stop until I was ready to turn in for the night. Alcohol allowed me to stop being selective with showing people what I wanted to show and let shit fly... but I wasn't in the driver's seat. Sometimes I'd be affable, charming, goofy, funny, whatever. Other times, I'd be a poison tip lawn dart in the neck. Crude, offensive, standoffish, and unlikable.

So that's been going on for what seems like most of my life and it caught up to me. I'm disgusted and ashamed of myself for it taking an event like it did to make me realize the error of my ways and my past behavior... but all you can do is learn from your mistakes, address the issues that have presented themselves, and hope for the best. I've been doing that since late October and will continue to seek ways to continue to stay on my path of excellence - one of which includes seeing a therapist and, in the meanwhile, giving up drinking for the time while I sort shit out in my own head.

The other part, you're reading. Or maybe nobody is and I'm just writing to myself. If I am, that's fine. Because I'm finding that writing is helpful and I've got a few ideas kicking around that need expressing, so I think I'll continue to do this and eventually get into less serious, heavy stuff. But, if I could ask anyone that reads this to take something away from this long rant, it'd be this: first and foremost, don't bottle shit up. Like I said earlier, it only gets rotten and turns to poison inside you. Poison that eventually leaks. Find an outlet, find people that you can talk to, don't be afraid to be yourself because you're probably pretty goddamn awesome - even though you might not realize it and someone might think you're way more awesome than you even thought possible. Secondly, if you need to talk to someone, if you need help sorting shit out in your head like I do, then do it, dude. There is no shame in asking for help, everybody needs it from time to time.

Alright, folks, that's all I have for now. I promise you I'll be back at least weekly with something for you to ruminate on. Writing is part of my release, and I need to keep it going to keep the demons at bay...