Starting all over again...

It's not quite that bad. But I've fallen... and I will get up. Shit has really headed south for me as far as my fitness level goes. I know I've gained because I can physically see it in my gut, my pants are a whole bunch tighter, and on the rare occasion I actually make it to the gym I have lost a boatload of endurance.

My portion control and choices have been the biggest death of me. My new-found slight sweet tooth I was developing turned into your stereotypical fat guy's binging. For real. Discount donuts, pints of ice-cream, and countless amounts of chocolate covered almonds are all contributors to my recent failure to stick with my progress.

I've also become a hypocrite. My post about "tomorrow" from way back has become the exact thing I've done. Multiple times. I've known I am making bad decisions and tell myself "this is the last time" over and over again after/during/before a binge. Then I wake up the next day and do it all over again. Or I'll actually make wise decisions all day only to shoot it all down the drain after a day of work by picking up some horrible food for me (usually those aforementioned discount donuts or chocolate covered almonds).

My scale is still packed away in my brother's garage (who I'm temporarily living with until I get somewhat settled financially wise) and I can't even begin to know where it is. In all honesty, I don't think I want to know what my scale says I weigh for how much it will shame me. I need to get back in control, I need to get back into shape, and I need to figure out how to make it stick. I also just don't feel as good (mood-wise and physically) as I did - but it doesn't seem to be stopping me.

Today is the day that changes. I refuse to be one of those people who loses all their weight to only gain it back. I know the damage I've done so far is inexcusable and I need to make it right again. I'm ashamed when people who have seen me at my (once) skinniest/goal of 160 and now, whatever I am (if I had to guess I'd say I might be close to 200 again... damn, that's hard to face), because I know it's obvious. I will not gain this back. I will get back down to being in shape - whatever that weight may be. Cardio, weight lifting, and all that jazz (including eating right) starts today. Breakfast this morning and mid-morning snack have all been good so far... now just need to stick with it.

Oh, and I still don't have regular access to the internet or a gym. So my posts will probably be sporadic at best. Try to stick with me. I need all y'all's support lately. I need to get the brakes on this ish before I balloon back up to an absolutely horrendous weight because I know where I'm headed and I don't like it. Why are good choices so hard for me to make all of a sudden when they seemed so natural not that long ago?

F me. I will get this under control. For real this time. I never thought I'd say this - but I want more of my loose skin back. After my workout today, I need to dig through my boxes in my brother's garage and find my scale.... this is going down... and my weight will too again.

Where in the hell have I been?

Around. That's all I've got to say, really. And my absence will continue for a bit longer. I felt obligated to poke in and tell y'all that I'm still alive though.

My eating is not doing the greatest. My exercise is non-existant. I've gotten off track and I know I've gained some weight back, but nothing disastrous yet. I'm attempting to at least maintain my eating habits somewhat...

Why is this happening?

I had to move from one side of my state to the other. I got two(!) part-time jobs near my college and that was two more jobs than I had in the metro Detroit area where I was living before. I even have an interview for another job out here tomorrow that will actually put my degree to use...

As for now, I'm commuting way too much (crashing on my brother's couch rent-free) and trying to save some dough. But, I've not really had any paychecks yet and money is getting even tighter than it already was. Stress is making me freak out and eat too much sometimes. Exercise doesn't work because my moving help disassembled my bike to make it fit and I can't get the brakes to work now. Gym membership doesn't work because they don't have Bally over here and I can't afford to join a gym yet... if I had time to walk I would but my job tires me right the F out combined with my commute... I wake up, go to work, work, drive back home and basically do it all over again.

I'm not totally out of control and I don't think I'll get there. But things need to start falling into place so I can get back on track. I still have the motivation and dedication to keep it going - now I just need to balance it all out once the money flow starts. Thanks, economy!

Oh, and why haven't I been writing? My brother lives in the middle of nowhere which means it would cost him approximately $80 a month just to get internet access. Something he is not willing to pay. If it were me... I probably would, but we've all got our priorities. I'm not down with writing out an entire blog post on my iPhone, so I'm typing this out at a kiosk on my former campus as I drove into work WAY early today.

So, yeah, that's my hectic life as of now. I will be back eventually and have a weigh-in once I dig/find my scale out of all my boxes. Or settle down in my own apartment as soon as I can afford to. Hope things are going well for all of y'all!

No big deal, right?

I said I'd be back today with my weigh-in results and here I am to deliver them to you. You can't get much better than a man of his word, right?

I'm not happy. I'm not terribly upset either... but I'm not happy. I went up last week from 159 to 161. This week I went up again to 161.8 lbs. A pretty small gain of 0.8 lbs., but a gain is a gain. This makes two weeks in a row my scale has gone up and it's a trend I don't like.

Problem is, my life, as I mentioned, is getting hectic lately. I will either be away from my home or kind of lacking a "real" place to call home for a while... so I know my eating habits will suffer and my exercise routine will most definitely suffer. Just thinking about these facts is stressing me out - which also is a problem since I've proven that I'm pretty good at being a stress eater.

I need to be extra diligent with my eating while away. Especially when I know I won't be able to exercise. I need to keep this under control. 161.8 is really not a big deal, it's not that far from my original goal of 160. But, if I'm trying to possible lose a few more pounds (which I did decide to do, maybe down to 150), I need to stay on top of things and act like I mean it. I put a picture on my phone so I can look at it when I'm contemplating food choices to remind myself of how far I've come... hopefully this will do the trick.

Thing is, I also know you can't get right without the proper exercise... and I don't know how I'm going to keep it going these next couple days. Maybe weeks depending on how things go. My weight training I started is, most likely, going to suffer too - and this bums me out immensely since I just started. I want to get this going and "get right." Things seem to be tougher than ever, but I need to stay focused. I need to stay motivated and I need to remember all the hard work I've put in to get this far and maybe just focus on maintaining until I can get into something resembling a regular schedule again. As simple as that sounds, we all know a lot of things are harder than they originally seem. Like my man Dubya, I need to get some strategery down...

My goal is to not look like an idiot while doing it.

Billy Idol doesn't want you to forget about me.

My life is getting hectic. I've just landed a job, am trying to schedule a second interview for a second job, and will be moving shortly. I'll be leaving the metro Detroit area (where I live now) to go back to where I went to college... because that's where my new job is. That's also where I'm trying to set up my 2nd interview at for that second job.

I've wanted to move back to west Michigan for a while. I know the area much better, I have more friends there, and I think the economic outlook on that area is better overall. No failing auto companies to dampen the mood over there.

For the time being though, I'm doing a lot of driving. I don't have an apartment or place to live over there yet, so I'm working on that. I may crash with my brother for a while in a city about 30 minutes away from my job(s?).

All this is obviously going to affect my ability to post, exercise, and all that jazz. Right after I just started my new weight lifting routine too. Did I mention Bally Total Fitness doesn't have any branches over there? That sucks, 'cause I'll have to join another gym now... but I'll figure it all out eventually.

Anyway, weigh-in will most likely be tomorrow morning again. My first job wants me to work a couple days this weekend to get things started and then we'll discuss when I really start. Which means I've really got to figure some issues out. Then I'll probably be over there until Monday or Tuesday depending on a few other factors I'll spare you.

Just know I haven't abandoned the writing. Life is just starting to get busy - and I like it. I will be making a post eventually about my new weight training routine complete with before pictures... no after yet. In these pictures though, y'all can see my nasty extra skin I sometimes mention. It isn't pretty, but it may give some of you cats out there an idea of what I talk about and why it bugs me so much. For some of you it may give you an idea of what you're in store for down the line... be warned.

That is just about it for now. I will hopefully be back to weigh-in tomorrow morning. Let you cats know if I lost, gained, maintained or... whatever other option there might be. Now, don't you forget about me.

Put your worries on hold...

I kind of feel like I can do that for once. I don't think ever completely relaxing will be something I can do, but I can (occasionally) put my worries on hold.

It's Sunday, and that means I've officially weighed myself for the week. I'm up slightly, but not enough that I'm worried about. This week I weighed in at 161 lbs. which is a gain of 2 lbs. This doesn't concern me for a couple reasons...

First off a gain (or loss for that matter) could just be a fluctuation. Last night I had a steak, a TON of salad, and some green beans for dinner. I drank a ton o' water too. Combine the absolute mound of salad I ate with the amount of water I drank and I easily can see where the addition came from.

Even without it though... I'm reasonably close to my original goal of 160.

Another reason I'm not concerned is because, well, I'm actually a little relieved. I had posted about my stupid idea of just going nuts for a week... where it lead me (binging on stuff) and was a little concerned. I seriously went more overboard than I ever have before on this most recent binge and thought I might have totally set myself back. I had some very delicious candy bars (Reese's Crispy Crunch Bar and I had to do a taste comparison with a Butterfinger... Reese's wins by the way), more than any one human should eat of Tootsie Rolls, a LOT of ice-cream, and more... all of this was in less than two days. Yet, I recovered without really focusing on it.

I've decided to still reach for lower weights and see if I can maintain them - and see how they feel. The weight I have/chose now of 160(-ish) places me at the top of the BMI range and I can still afford to lose some. 155... 150... these are the next logical goals for me.

I've been slacking on reading my weight lifting book, so I'm delaying that progress for now but will be keeping it on my mind. I've adjusted my diet somewhat already to incorporate a lot more protein. Now I just need to educate myself further on the stuff so I feel like I can attack it with the gusto it deserves.

That's what it all comes down to for me this week. Sorry about the probably boring post, but I'll be around. In a day or two I envision a post coming aied directly at people who probably will never read my blog... but some of y'all might get a kick out of it anyway. So keep those peepers peeled. Peace, love, and unity, y'all.

I'm addicted

I came to a conclusion yesterday. Thinking about my recent failures (read: binges), I'm still addicted to food. Lately, I've been really craving horrible things I've never really craved before like chocolates, candy, and desserts. I don't know why but it's there. However, if given the opportunity, I'd still just binge on monstrous burgers and portions of food. I still have it in me.

When I binge it feels good. I enjoy myself to the fullest and usually love it while it's happening. Goddamn does it feel good. It's that "I just don't give a f**k", piss on your dead grandmother's grave, while rooting for the terrorists to teach us a lesson once and for all type of feel good. That meaning you feel extremely guilty about it afterwards but it's good while it lasts. Oh man is it ever good while it lasts.

But, on the other side of the coin, I've concluded that I am also addicted to something a little bit better for me: working out. Often the very thought of going to the gym for a 65 minute session on the elliptical, or riding my bike a ridiculous distance can bring a smile to my face and brighten my mood. Just like thinking about going to Red Robin and having a huge burger with bottomless steak fries makes me perk up too. Like eating horrible foods the act itself of working out also makes me change my attitude significantly. With one difference...

Instead of feeling guilty after working out, I usually feel even better. It's not just a "while it lasts" feeling. It's something I generally feel good about. So why am I making stupid choices like chowing down too much shitty food? The next time I want to binge on some candy I need to just go hop on the bike instead or drive to the gym for an elliptical session. Wouldn't that be a much better choice? You and I both know it would be. I now just need to take this into consideration and start applying it.

There's nothing wrong with having the occasional treat or having a few pieces of candy now and then (mini peanut butter/caramel cups are my favorites).

But I've got to learn where to draw the line when I'm indulging myself especially now that I've briefly touched my goal weight and then instantly turned my back on it and put myself up for some more work. Between my two addictions I need to start making the better choice and learning how to combat even the worst cravings... and how to be satisfied with smaller amounts when I do cave into the bad one.

Life lessons are better remembered when you make the mistakes to learn 'em, I guess. Along the same tip, I've toyed with the idea of making a before and after picture and taking it to a photo printing place to carry around with me - so when I feel like doing something stupid like eating a shit-ton of candy I can pull that sucker out and say to myself, "Do you really wanna go back there, buddy? Look at what you've accomplished. Stick with it," because apparently I'm good at making excuses to myself so maybe a little visual aid would help.

As the world turns, these are the days of our lives and the thoughts that travel through my noggin. If you read all this then you just got a glimpse into my mind... a rant of sorts but something I felt deserved to be written out more for myself than y'all. Regardless, I hope it maybe helped someone else out there too - even if it's just to see that even those who have accomplished a lot can still slip up and make mistakes.

I know this isn't smart...

So I'm stopping right now.

After hitting my goal I decided to just kind of go nuts. A seriously planned out guilt-free WEEK where I'd eat whatever I want, whenever wanted in any amount I wanted. And, I've been doing it. Probably with disastrous results.

Why did I decide it'd be a good idea? I dunno. But this morning it just struck me that I really need to stop when I re-evaluate some of the choices I've made the past... 5 days or so. It even continued some this morning. To top it all off, I've been out of town and unable to do my usual gym routine... no real workout has taken place either since Friday.

I am handing myself a "fail" with decisions like these. I know the scale is going to jump a ton (again). I'm not going to let it get the best of me. I'm buckling down again and will maintain this weight of 160-ish... maybe not this week, but I'll get back down and do it. Maybe go further.

One reason I know I thought I might do it, was because I'm planning on getting into weight training and bulking up. Muscle wise, that is. I'm sure everyone that reads my blog knows of Tony "The Anti-Jared" P. who has shown some huge ass muscles he's built lately. Although he is not the initial inspiration for my muscle idea, seeing those pics he posted of himself got me motivated to do it all over again. Being a bookworm, I'm reading a bunch of books on weight training before I really get into it, but I'm planning to start a "program" next week. Which was part of my justification to myself this week for going nuts.

Along with this program, I've decided to start shopping almost exclusively on the outer walls of my grocery store. You know... the outer walls. Where all the fruits, vegetables, meat, and dairy are located. There will always be exceptions, because I'm an admitted cereal junkie, but the plan is to keep it mostly on the outside. All I've read about building muscle places an emphasis on this and when I sent an e-mail to my man Tony P. he said the same thing. These cats call it "eating clean." I'm going to make the effort.

Well, that's what's been going on in my life. I've had my fun, and too much of it, these past couple days and I know I'll pay the price. It seems like I never learn. I like to over-reward myself. I'm going to get it under control. This week will suck but I'm back on track for the millionth and first time. Weight training coming soon... back on track starting now. I'ma find a different way to reward myself. This is what needs to happen and allowing myself "go nuts" days is not the key, obviously. Back to the lab, back to the gym, and back on track. Life may slow me down sometimes, but it won't stop me...

Oh, and you cats who wanted an updated picture. Here you go... me at my buddy's house (who needs to clean his bathroom mirror) before heading out to an interview. Lookin' kinda dorky, but good at the same time. I can dig it.