Emotional Vulnerability

There was a time, not that long ago, that emotional vulnerability seemed like one of the worst things in the world. It seemed to take insane amounts of alcohol for me to even be able to recognize my emotions and even more booze yet for me to let them come out. Luckily for me, I never drank all that often. But, when I did drink, I could (and would) sure put 'em down.

Then all the emotions would come boiling to the surface. Unfortunately for me, it was mostly emotions that had developed into self loathing. And a lot of that probably resulted in my inability to cope with or express my emotion. Emotion that had been built up over countless years. Way too many. Years of being teased as a fat kid, years of feeling inadequate because I never seemed to be good at anything like sports or playing musical instruments, years of failed diets, left over emotions from deaths, left over emotions from break ups, left over emotions from just the shitty stuff that seems to go on in the world. There it all was, bottled up and mostly unaddressed.

I've touched on this stuff before, I know. Sorry for repeating myself.

It exploded. It came out at a very bad time and had terrible consequences for me. There's not a lot I can do about it now, it's over and done with, but I knew I couldn't go on living life that way. I sought out a therapist and have been going religiously every two weeks. Two weeks seems like the perfect amount of time for me because each week seems just mundane enough, but when a couple weeks pass, shit happens.

You know what's crazy? I've noticed a huge change in myself. Others have noticed a change. But, nothing really has changed... and, yet, it has. I still am who I always was, but I somehow have learned that my self loathing is undeserved. I'm not as bad as I think I am and people don't seem to think so either.

I wish I would have been able to accept that earlier.

I also know it's alright to feel things. I guess that might sound stupid to some people - but I needed to learn it. It's okay to feel. This has caused some interesting side effects to me. I wasn't sure I quite believed that I had accepted this idea, until the other day. I'll get into it, but first you need a little background. To keep things somewhat anonymous, but not entirely for those that know me, I'm going to refer to my coworker as Stephanie.

Stephanie is close to my age, just a little bit younger. She's fairly recently married and one hell of a catch to any guy. She's friendly, funny, drop dead gorgeous, and has a decent career. She's moved through the ranks at my employer pretty swiftly. Stephanie is also pregnant with her first kid. It's incredible to hear her talk about her growing baby because, I swear, I can feel her excitement. I know she's going to make one hell of an awesome mom too. You can really tell just in the way her eyes light up when she mentions every doctor appointment, talks about stuff she read in magazines, or whatever. It's a great thing and sometimes I'll bring up stuff I've read just because it's such a great feeling to see someone have such genuine excitement and joy for the future.

Stephanie has a doctor's appointment to find the gender of the baby - and starts having contractions. The doc says, "Whoa, Stephanie, this is pretty crazy. I think you better stay on bed rest and take it easy until this kid of yours is ready to make his appearance." Stephanie agrees and is no longer at work.

A few short days later, a Facebook post from her husband shows up on my Facebook newsfeed. It says that Stephanie had the baby that day, prematurely, and he (the baby) had passed away within the minute.

I read this and was absolutely devastated. Seriously, I couldn't contain the tears even if I wanted to. I could only imagine the pain and suffering that Stephanie must be going through. The guilt (even though it's not her fault by any means) she must be feeling, the complete and utter sadness and emptiness. The unfairness of the world we live in. The thought that one of the things that made someone so goddamn happy I could see it in their face, even when she was feeling ill from pregnancy stuff, was taken away from them just because.... just because... just because life is unfair seemed like the complete and utter bullshit it is. To make it worse, there's nobody that can be blamed. There's nothing anyone can do and, so, all that anyone can be left with out of this situation is sadness. I can't even begin to fathom what Stephanie must be thinking or feeling - but I have a weird feeling it's not sunshine and rainbows. For something like this to happen to someone so undeserving, destroyed me for a while. It still chokes me up when I think about what she must be feeling, what she must be thinking, and what must be running through her mind.

When I read that, and had the reaction that I did, I knew something within me had changed. Because, before that would have just been another shitty thing happening to someone and that's that. That's how I would have processed it. I would have moved on to the next tragedy because, hell, life seemed like mostly shit and if you keep expecting shit, you won't be shocked or disappointed when it happens.

That's not me anymore. I'm glad for that. But, like I said earlier, I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get here. As for Stephanie, well, she's still not at work and I don't know when she's coming back. I know it's not going to be easy for her and I don't even know what to say to her when she does come back. Just the thought of seeing her though and not seeing the smile that she usually has is making me tear up...