Saturday, May 7, 2016

Shit Talking

At the urging of my therapist/counselor, I've started attempting to make some sort of mental note (sometimes I actually carry paper with me and make tick marks) whenever I catch myself speaking negatively about, well, myself. Even if it's one of those seemingly harmless self-deprecating jabs everyone makes from time to time.

I hate to admit it, but for someone who really does feel like he's okay with himself and who is his most of the time... I talk a lot of shit about myself. While I do think this exercise is a good idea, I kind of wonder if it's maybe also somewhat harmful. Now I'm not only making the jabs at myself, but I'm making myself feel guilty each time I do it and question why I always have some nasty shit to say about myself. It's like a feedback loop.

Then again, on the other hand, I am catching myself more before it comes out of my mouth. Although, sometimes, it's just like being on autopilot and I've said something before I even realize it. And I'm sure I'm not even catching all of them myself since it's just how I've operated for so long.

I think being the fat kid has kind of built it into me. Young kids are nasty so I would destroy myself before anyone else could. At the time, it seems less damaging when it comes from yourself than to hear someone else say it. But I'm finding that it's true what they say; you can only hear something so much before you start to believe it's true. That is where I think a lot of my self-esteem issues have come from over the years and learning to hide/keep the hurt inside along with everything else that seems unappealing.

The thing is, I really do feel like I'm joking most of the time when I say these things. Well, mostly joking. But, I also understand the idea that it's probably not healthy to have these ideas about yourself in the first place so I'll continue to work on it. Sometimes, dude, I just don't know.

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